mgpcpastor's blog

A life without grief is a life without love.
To experience love means that grief will be experienced too.
That which we desire most ardently is inextricably enmeshed in that which we dread and wish we could avoid.
This is a paradox of the human condition.

And love is not an option for a follower of Jesus.
The command to love one another necessarily means that our life following him will also be a life where grief is present.
It’s no accident. It’s intrinsic.

We are one in suffering. Some are wealthy, some bright; some athletic, some admired. But we all suffer. For we all prize and love; and this present existence of ours, prizing and loving yield suffering. >Ove in our world is suffering love. Some do not suffer much, though, for they do not love much. Suffering is for the loving. If I hadn’t loved him, there wouldn’t be this agony.
This, said Jesus, is the command of the Holy One:”You shall love your neighbour as yourself.” In commanding us to love, God invites us to suffer..

Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son, Spire 1989, pg. 89

It’s true.
A year ago, like each of them, there were days when he did not cross my mind.
They are always in the heart, but not always in the mind.
In this past year it seems like every day brings a thought and a memory of him.

Was he special? Did I love him more – more than his sister and brothers? When they see my tears, do they think I loved him more?
+++
None is special; or rather, each is special. Each has an inscape in which I delight. I celebrate them all and them each.
Death has picked him out, not love. Death has made him special. His is special in my grieving. When I give thanks I mention all five; when I lament, I mention only him. Wounded love is special love, special in its wound. Now I think of him every day; before, I did not. Of the five, only he has a grave.

Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son, Spire 1989, pg. 59

It is hard to remember that those who have experienced the same situation of loss, those who were together through all the minutes of the days and who share the experience of the same grief experience their grieving in isolation.
We grieve as individuals, even though we sometimes do that together.
Having gone through a similar circumstance, even the same circumstance, can provide empathy and even community.
But it does not mean we know how others are grieving. Each grief is its own process, each mourner is unique.
Even if we gather to mark the loss each needs the space to experience their unique loss, and not be required to be experiencing it the way that others are.

I have been daily grateful for the friend who remarked that grief isolates. He di not mean that I, grieving, am isolated from you, happy. He meant also that shared grief isolates the sharers from each other. Though united in that we are grieving, we grieve differently. As each death has its own character, so too each grief over a death has its own character – its own inscape. The dynamics of each person’s sorrow must be allowed to work themselves out without judgment. I may find it strange that you should be tearful today but dry-eyed yesterday when my tears were yesterday. But my sorrow is not your sorrow.
There’s something more: I must struggle so hard to regain life that I cannot reach out to you. Nor you to me. It’s when people are happy they say, “Let’s get together.”

Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son, Spire 1989, pg. 56